I have probably sat down and tried writing this post ten times. Five years after our consecutive miscarriages the pain is still so real. The ultrasounds, the pregnancy tests, the questions, the unsolicited advice- it all comes flooding back. Moments of emptiness met with loneliness and loss of faith in so many aspects of our life. The future was pretty uncertain at this point and we became accustomed to the disappointment. The most unwelcoming and surprising outcome of our miscarriages was the grief. I had never experienced death at such a personal level and we had no tools on how to cope with this. Not only was this personally stressful but it impacted my work, my friendships, and most importantly my husband. As I write and remember this painful period in my life I wanted to share some advice to anyone who might be currently experiencing this pain as well and feel alone.
– Make A Playlist: Music was so healing to my soul. I made a playlist and titled it Grief. As cheesy as it was, it was filled with beautiful music written for my hopes and dreams. I remember driving or going on a walk with our dog and just playing songs on repeat to remind myself that I can find joy again in simple things. It also helped me tune out any intrusive or negative thoughts that came with the constant guilt I felt during this period of my life.
– Eat your greens: I was so ready to throw out all of my plastic, read every single label, learn every little pesticide and particle that was put into everything I ate. I read a lot of terribly sourced articles on how to “increase fertility” and “losing weight to conceive.” Then one day as my anxiety was at its height I ate a piece of green cake on St. Patty’s day filled with Guinness chocolate filling and probably loaded with artificial food dye. I quickly realized that I was more concerned about controlling my reality than just letting go and allowing God to be in control of my life. At this point, I was bargaining with myself that if I did everything right then I would deserve to have a baby. Letting go of that control was so hard for me so I had to really evaluate areas of my life that I knew I needed to just “let go.”
– Go on a date (with yourself): Loving myself again was huge for me. My Amazon cart was full of ovulation strips and nursing bras. I was having a really hard time separating the reality that I had become so engulfed in becoming pregnant that I forgot who I was in the process. My husband was battling his own grief during this period but even through his fears, he encouraged me to go out by myself. I sat at a local coffee shop and just people watched. I read a book (non-parenting-related) and ate my lunch. As I sat by myself I was able to bring joy through what made me who I was in the first place. I lost a piece of myself every miscarriage and it became harder to look at myself as just “Nimra” again.
– Call Your Mom: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Whether it’s your biological, adopted, or spiritual mom don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted mentor to share the good and bad moments. I pray that whoever you reach out to can listen to your grief and guide you to a place of peace.
My infertility journey was messy. There was an unseen plan for my life. A light at the end of my tunnel. After two years of heartbreak, we gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and exactly two years after that another daughter to bring so much joy in our life. I look at them now, toddlers with princess dresses on as they dance in our living room every morning together, and still have an ache in my heart knowing they have brothers or sisters in heaven watching them earthside. The pain is always going to be there and I know there will be a lifetime of healing. Whatever road your life leads you on remember you are so loved and worthy. May you find your strength and heal- embrace the pain and really “feel.” Just know I am here.