Control Freak


If you ask my husband, he’d say I am a control freak. Personally, I don’t like the negative connotations of that phrase (even though many of us nod our heads, raise our eyebrows and let out an insightful, “ahhh” when we hear it). Rather than “control freak,” I prefer being thought of as put-together, organized, and prepared for the worst (think of a huge Boho bag heavily accessorized with emergency need-type items–that’s me!). Even though I am by nature generally a very positive person, I do have a realistic view of life, and I know that we definitely don’t have enough time on earth to waste it waiting for tomorrow.

To date, my toughest loss was my grandpa. My two best gains were my children (sorry husband! lol). The biggest commitment I ever made was when I decided to become a mother. Being the planner (aka control freak) I am, becoming a mother was the craziest decision I could ever make. I was adept enough to know ahead of time that there’s no way one can be 100% prepared for children. However, once I became a mother, there are no take-backs. It’s forever. Motherhood is forever. Once I have a child, I am forever it’s mother, and the baby is forever my child.

My husband and I were married a full year before we seriously discussed adding to our family. It was the biggest decision we ever made and the longest commitment we’d both ever planned for. We knew we both wanted kids, but when it came down to the actual planning of it (or even knowing if we could have children), the “when” we wanted kids was more than a little bit terrifying. What does a planner like me do when they are terrified of the unknown?

Prepare to travel down a rabbit hole… Google it.

Google and I became well acquainted (and I am happy to say that our relationship is still going strong). Everything I read and researched about “the perfect time to have children” was boring and scientific, and not one reputable source seemed to agree. I was in my 20s (so my biological clock was still going strong), we did have secure finances (both of us were working full-time), we had secure housing (with a huge yard for the kids to play), we had reliable transportation…we had it all! Why was I so nervous about becoming a mother?

Because parenthood is positively petrifying, especially for this control freak.

Adding kids to our already “busy” lives seemed really challenging. It’s utterly hilarious to look back now and realize how naive I was nine years ago about what busy really feels like. “Busy” then meant I had scheduled programs to watch, or I had banana bread to make into cute little loaves. I was “busy” spending time on a fruitful garden or laying out in the sunshine listening to the birds chirping and the leaves blowing in the wind. Don’t get me wrong– those are great things to occupy oneself with.

For me, though, looking back now, adding kids to all of those “busy” activities makes them a million times better. Adding love and laughter, tears and tantrums, hugs, and kisses to someone’s life makes things better. Life’s too short to waste it waiting for tomorrow.

Here’s my “duh” moment (“lightbulb moment” might sound a bit more eloquent). After all of my many visits to google, researching, preparing, and organizing, I’ve come to the final conclusion (one that many of you already knew): There is no perfect time in life for anything. I can plan and prepare all I want (control freak), but life will always have the final say.

Realizing this helped me develop in the last few years, and I am proud to say that as I evolve, I am worrying less about planning, and I am able to give an honest effort to go with the flow more often.

Being that I know myself, I know full-well that I will continue to visit google to learn, research, and gather facts regarding my children as they grow up (“hello google, tell me about the apps teenagers use these days”), and that’s ok. That’s me.

Acknowledging that life is short, plans turn south, and the most fun is sometimes spontaneous fun, my husband and I have made a decision. It’s a big one. We agreed that we have more love to give, and we decided together that: We are adding to our family!

To be continued…