If you had turned on any news channel, radio station, or social media outlet last month, you most likely caught at least a snippet of the controversy surrounding the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. If you haven’t heard about it, and want some relevance, may I suggest you simply Google it to read stories and form your own opinion. I’m not here to write about Brett Kavanaugh- there’s plenty out there already. However, as with almost anything nowadays, the confirmation proceedings of Judge Kavanaugh polarized much of the nation. As Kavanaugh defended his name against very serious allegations of sexual assault made by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, my entire Facebook newsfeed seemed to take one of two positions:
“It is a very scary world for men, who have to be afraid that someone can just make up an accusation against them and ruin their lives. I am afraid for my sons.”
“It is a very scary world for women, who are continuously subjected to unwanted touch/images/words that will affect them emotionally and mentally throughout their lives. I am afraid for my daughters.”
I have a daughter as well as two sons, so to be completely honest, I find both thoughts swimming through my head at times. How can I protect my sons from false accusations, and my daughter against sexual assault?
Recently, I published my own #MeToo story on my personal blog describing just a bit of what it has been like for me as a woman to experience unwanted words and touch from men. While I don’t let it dictate my personality, and refuse to live in full on fear, I have to admit that the thought of how to avoid unwanted touch and/or words will often direct my actions, and is almost second nature by this point in my life. As a mother, I can already hear myself teaching some of these same “instincts” to my daughter at times. When talking with other moms I have heard that they too have inherited and pass down the defensive techniques to their own daughters. We work very hard to help teach our daughters to protect themselves don’t we?
And what am I teaching my sons? To fear the accusation? To videotape every interaction with a girl so that she can never accuse you of anything (um, pretty sure that would have other repercussions…)? To always have a chaperone (actually this one sounds like a GREAT idea, haha!)? No. None of those are actually constructive tips to build a better safer world, are they? They are reflex defense mechanisms just like my daughter will learn, and they don’t actually change anything.
On one hand, yes I will of course teach my sons to be cautious in their interactions, to hopefully prevent any opportunities for accusations. But on the other hand I feel I’ve got to flip that script for them – for my sons and my daughter. Along with teaching them defense against allegations or assault, what if I teach them “offense” by empowering them with a foundation of boundaries and the strength to enforce them? What do I think that looks like? Well, I think it has to look like a million little conversations and opportunities… every day if need be, so they know it’s for real.
- This means that when a relative wants to force a goodbye hug, my children can look to me to reassure them they do not HAVE to let anyone hug them.
- It means when daddy is wrestling with them, even if they are giggling uncontrollably, when they say “daddy, stop” he stops. That their words mean something.
- When my daughter has found it funny to jump on her brother’s back for an unsolicited piggy back ride, it means I have had a serious conversation about how you must get permission BEFORE you touch someone.
- It means my son has learned to say “you’re not respecting my body” when a classmate has followed him around the room, sitting too closely.
- When they are in high school, if anyone finds it funny to punch my boys in the privates (sack tap sound familiar?) or snap my daughter’s bra, it means I will report it. Every time.
- This means some day teaching my sons that while they may be compelled to compliment a woman, they are NOT allowed to expect a response. If a woman doesn’t say thank you or smile, move along. No woman owes you validation that you expressed your feelings about her appearance.
- When mommy wants to just have some me time, alone in my room, this means Daddy helps keep them out, because mommies are allowed to have boundaries too.
- There is never a moment they cannot “leave”. And yes this may mean they will quit playing a sport I want to see them continue, or maybe walk out of a class based on a moral concern. They need to know they can always leave a situation.
And on…. and on…. and on…. Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? 
But just as a drop of water causes a ripple, I can only hope that these conversations with our kids will create a wave of culture change. With any luck, hopefully my daughter won’t have a #metoo story.
As with all parenting topics, I firmly believe in the Village, so PLEASE join the conversation with moments you have had in helping your children build boundaries.
