Tackling Mom Guilt Over the Endless To-Do List

I am a Mom Guilt procrastinator of the highest order. I always have the best intentions to get things done and keep up with my To-Do list, but it never happens.  For example. This post was turned in several days (weeks?) late.

I’m pretty sure the baby is out of clean jammies and my toddler has had the same socks on since Monday (It’s Thursday).  Oh! And, my husband specifically asked me to wash his work clothes. (Oops! Sorry dear!)

The To-Do List of Impossible Tasks

I recently read an article describing the “impossible task”. My To-Do List struggles suddenly made so much sense. Not only do I seem to have an endless pile of STUFF sitting around, but I also have endless chores to do. 

My To-Do list is made up of impossible tasks. Can I describe why putting that basket of laundry away is an impossible task? No, I can’t. But, it is. Which is why there is laundry in various stages all over my house. To all those women who have no problem starting or FINISHING a task. I applaud you. I am in awe of your talent. You are my hero. Can I be you when I grow up?

Because that seems to be my very problem. I can’t seem to start. Where do I start? How do I start? 

If Aly Does the Dishes…

Let’s take a look at my cleaning process. It will sound very familiar to those moms currently reading (or watching) If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. 

Aly wants to do the dishes. So, she’ll start to declutter the countertops. Then, she’ll drop something on the floor. When she drops something on the floor, she’ll bend over to pick it up. 

While she’s picking it up, she’ll notice all the crumbs and dirty stuff waiting to be swept. So, she’ll think “I’ll sweep first, it’s a quick task and easily done.” 

After she sweeps the floor, she’ll bend over to collect the pile into the dustpan. While she’s sweeping the pile into the pan, she’ll notice how dirty the outside of the trash can is. 

So, she’ll grab her disinfectant wipes and wipe it clean. As she’s disposing of the used wipes, she’ll see the trash bag needs to be taken out and replaced. So, she’ll take out the trash. 

On her way to take out the trash, she notices the window on the door is grimy. So, she’ll have to grab the window cleaner and paper towels. And, so on. And, so on…  

Are you sensing a pattern here? The goal was actually to do the dishes. As in, put them in the dishwasher and have a clean sink. 

It’s been 2 hours …..at least. And, the dishes aren’t even close to being done.

If we’re being honest, the kids have interrupted at least 20 times needing a snack or a boo boo fixed; and a bottle made or a diaper changed; possibly a hug or snuggle. All that and the dishwasher isn’t even empty of clean dishes yet!

No wonder a task as simple as “Do the Dishes” has now become known as an impossible task in our home.

Netflix and Ignore the To-Do List? Ok!

The Impossible Task concept validated my need to stop beating myself up. It shined a light on the knowledge that I am not the only one to ‘make like an ostrich’ with my head in the sand when everything that requires attention overwhelms me.  I know I can’t ignore my To-Do List and live on the couch forever (watching Netflix and munching on crunchy snacks; who needs real food?). But, with an entire house full of impossible tasks it’s hard to focus on where to start.

So, instead, I avoid doing any of it because it’s all so overwhelming in big picture format. I can’t find the way to step by step details.  Technically when I finally get around to doing all of ‘the things’, I almost always think: “Wow! That’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”  This is, of course, when my husband pitches in and we’re tag-teaming the kids and the To-Do list. 

In My Own Little Corner

More often than not, however, it’s just me and the kiddos at home. So, there I am on my lonely little ‘Mom Island’ stuck in the middle of a mess I can’t dig out of.  For some reason, when I was working full time and pregnant with #2, I would often think about how nice it would be to stay home. 

I’d have all of the household chores handled and my toddler and I would make cute crafts and do projects while the baby slept. We’d also go on adventures several times per week (of the educational variety, of course!) (Ha!)  At the time it was one child as I was still carrying the other. A small toddler and massively pregnant. Of course, I’m not getting everything done! 

Stay-at-Home-Mom-Struggle 

But being home full time is not what I imagined it would be. We rarely do projects and adventures don’t happen often (unless it’s a trip to Walmart for essentials…).  The baby is closing in on a year old. The toddler is almost 3. I feel like I should have it together by now. But, here I am still on the Struggle Bus.  Feeling like I’m failing my family because I can’t keep it together. 

The chores obviously aren’t done. We certainly don’t do many crafts or projects (these usually end up with my toddler eating the craft supplies).  And, getting out of the house for ‘adventures’? That’s hilarious. And, totally not descriptive of my current hermit stage of life.  I’m talking about how showering is now a privilege (let’s not even talk about skincare or a makeup routine. I’m lucky if I remember moisturizer.).

Take out is on the menu WAY more than I am comfortable admitting. My kid has been in the same pair of pajamas for the last two days.  And, I binge-watched Pete the Cat with the boys because I was tired and couldn’t face my impossible tasks. 

Light At the End of the To-Do List

Time management struggles and impossible tasks. Does this sound familiar to anyone? 

So, what’s a Mom to do? ……

Give yourself a break. 

Yep. We need to give ourselves a break. 

As moms, we wear endless hats. Wife. Mom. Laundry. Food Prep. Clean. Schedule. Groceries. Shopping. Chauffeur. Sister. Daughter. Friend. Employee. Volunteer. Insert additional hat labels here. 

Our brains hold so much information that requires attention. Some weeks one hat is more ‘on’ than another because all of our attention has been focused there. 

Celebrating Where We Are

So instead of berating ourselves for everything we haven’t done today, let’s celebrate what we did get done!

Did you get out of bed? Feed the children? Changed diapers?

Awesome! You go, Momma!!

Are the dishes done but the laundry isn’t (or vice versa)?

WHOOP WHOOP! You rock, Girl!!

Did you get a shower in today (and actually wash your hair…)?

OOOWWWWOOOOWWWW, Get it, Mamacita!!!

Did you accomplish all of your To-Do list? Or none of it at all? 

*Slow Clap* You Mom so hard!!!!!

Did you get anything beyond or in between done?

Keep it going, girl! It’ll be bedtime soon. 

My Expectations vs My Reality 

My Midwife said something to me as I sat in her office sobbing just a few weeks after delivering my second son.  I was telling her how I had become a scary mom. I had shouted at my toddler because his demand for juice occurred at the wrong moment. My cup was ready to bubble over and his request was the final drop to initiate the overflow. 

The house was a mess. Toys were everywhere. He’d dumped the diaper basket for the fourth time. All the dishes were dirty. I hadn’t showered in days.  I’m pretty sure there was spit up in my hair. And, the baby would scream anytime he was put down (sometimes even when he wasn’t put down…). (I know you hear me Reflux Mommas!)

My toddler was doing the Stewey thing (Mom. Mom. Momma. Mommy. Mom. Momma. Momma. Etc.) 

And then, he asked for some juice.

My Cup Runneth Over

I just snapped. And, I shouted. I scary shouted. And, then I cried. Sobbed really.

I was struggling. Slowly sinking in water that was way too deep. Afraid to go too much further under the surface of who I thought I would be. The mother I had expected myself to be.  And, that manifested into handling a situation in the worst way possible. 

My midwife told me “You can’t shovel in a snowstorm.” 

I looked at her blankly. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. And, my brain refused to comprehend what she was saying.  With time and distance (and some sleep) it became clear. What she was telling me was, you can’t do it all. You can’t. 

Why try to shovel every five minutes when there’s a blizzard outside? You’re never going to keep up that way. Let the snow settle and worry about catching up with it then.

But, what does that even mean?

It means don’t try so hard. Don’t put the pressure of doing everything on yourself right now in this moment.

So what if the house is a mess?

So what if every dish in the house is dirty?

So what if you have zero clean clothes to put on and the garbage is overflowing. And you haven’t showered in too many days to remember when the last time was.

You kept your babies alive. They were fed and their diapers were changed. They were dropped off and picked up from school. Let the rest go. 

Give yourself some grace.

Letting Go of the Guilt and To-Do List and instead Giving Grace.

Our littles are only little for a short amount of time. Before we know it, they’ll be driving off to college and our homes will be tidy, the laundry done (and put away), and the kitchen will be clean. 

So, snuggle those babies. Sing baby shark for the thousandth time. Play trains in the living room where toys aren’t allowed. Paint projects that get way too messy. 

Let the dishes sit there until you absolutely need to use them. Give yourself a pass on folding and putting that laundry away! (You made it to the clean stage! High Five!) 

In the days where all you see are impossible tasks, take a breath. And, let it go. 

There will be days where you feel like a rockstar. You woke up, showered, and each checkbox on the To-Do list is just marking itself as completed. Your kids even helped out (or at least didn’t hinder your progress)!

At the end of the day, you have this lovely feeling of satisfaction. Celebrate that. Let that feeling linger as long as possible. Shore up your reserves for the future. 

But, don’t beat yourself up on the days where you do nothing but love your kiddos and order take out. 

Wisdom from the Mom Tribe releases Mom Guilt

I was chatting with my best friend recently about this very topic. (She has four children. Three of which were close in age.)  When I was pregnant with my second (and shortly after delivery) she would stop by randomly and do a load of my dishes, sweep my floor, and fold my laundry.  I glibly mentioned I didn’t know how she did it with three small children when I definitely don’t feel like I’m doing anything right with just two. 

I can’t even do the simple tasks that she would take care of when I was so pregnant I couldn’t see my feet. I can see my feet now. I should be able to do all the things!  She laughed at me and said “I didn’t. You saw me. You saw what that was like. I was a mess.” With one statement, she removed half of the mom guilt I was squirreling away. I’m not alone. 

I’m not the only one that’s a Hot Mess Momma. She’s been there. Others have been there. I’m sure our mothers and grandmothers were there before us.  We’re not alone in the middle of impossible tasks, endless To-Do Lists, and mom guilt. We certainly don’t have the cornerstone on them. 

It’s All a Balancing Act

I attended a women’s Christmas event at Life Church De Pere in December. The speaker, Pastor Sonny Hennessy talked about balance and used the analogy of buckets to deliver her point. (Click here to watch the video!  Fast forward to 16:30 for the bucket talk.)

The bucket analogy is like the “hats” we wear, but they represent what we spend our time on instead of describing what we do. There’s a kids bucket and a husband bucket. A House bucket and a work bucket. And so on. 

If you have been pouring time into your work bucket and taking that time from the husband and kids bucket this week, just make sure you’re not taking from those buckets next week. She talked about how we as moms need to embrace flexibility and give ourselves a break to achieve the balance we crave. 

New Year, New Mom Philosophy

So. It’s January. We have the whole year ahead to ‘get it right’, to get rid of the mom guilt and find our balance. 

During 2020 I’m going to give myself a break about the dishes and the laundry and other To-Do List items. I’m going to play trains and dinosaurs with my toddler and snuggle the baby during his nap. 

We will probably watch too much Pete the Cat and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Take Out will probably be on the menu more than I’d like.  And, we will DEFINITELY listen to Baby Shark too many times. 

Even though it feels like this stage is endless, it will be over soon enough.  For now, I’m going to work on being flexible and balancing all of my buckets. And, I’m working on ditching that mom guilt. Won’t you join me?

This year, let’s take a breath. Embrace the fact that we need to give ourselves a break. That even if we sat on the couch today, tomorrow will be better. Or even if the couch was our friend all week. Next week will be better.

It’s about finding the balance. Finding your balance. About giving yourself a break to be okay with where you are.

We can be flexible and not have mom guilt. 

It’s okay if we didn’t get anything on our To-Do List done today. There is always tomorrow.  

We’ve got this, Mommas!!